Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lots of Thoughts

So, my last blog post was vague on purpose.  It was a journaling of sorts of the process of coming to terms with my own wrong-doing.

Let's back up a little.  I tend to be a people-pleaser, and I want for people to like me.  I really don't like to be judged and found "wanting".  As a result of this, I tend to be "well-behaved".  As a result of that, I don't like to admit when I have done something wrong - even to myself.  I see this in my children (especially one of them), too, and I will admit that it drives me crazy!  He is never wrong.  If he says something wrong it is because you misunderstood him, or he misunderstood you.  If he misunderstood you, it's your fault for not being clear enough.  I could go on, but it just frustrates me to even write about it.  It is not fun to be around him when he gets like that.  I am sure that I was like that at some points as a child, too.  I hope that I have been civilized enough that I am not that annoying now.  I am trying to civilize him to reach the point of not being that annoying.  We have told him over and over that people make mistakes, and it is okay.  You just apologize, try to make it right, and go on.  I am usually okay at doing this myself, but not always.

The other day, I was facing that same struggle myself.  What I did wasn't that big of a deal.  As I said, nobody got hurt or was in danger of getting hurt.  I couldn't have gone to jail or anything like that.  And the point of the story isn't about what I did, it was about the struggle of my heart.  And I realized today that there is still a struggle going on in my heart over this little episode, only it is different from what I first thought.  Today I think that my real struggle is over the motive of my heart.  Am I worried about what people think of me, or am I worried about what people think of my God?  I want to be a good witness for Him, and I know that I fall short way too often.  When I do, am I grieved over how my actions reflect on Him, or what people will think of me?  I know what my heart and my attitude should be, and I am praying to be conformed to that every day.

Confession and Forgiveness

I did it, and I am not proud of it.  I did something I knew I shouldn't do, even if I had a  "good reason" for it and knew that it wouldn't hurt anyone else.  But others saw me, and I got caught.  Then I got mad at the person who caught me.  I tried to justify what I had done.  I struggled for a few moments.  And finally admitted to myself that I was wrong.  It was hard.  Now I am just embarrassed.  I can't really take away the impression that I made with the person who caught me and others who may have seen.  I can ask God for forgiveness - for what I did and for my attitude.  I can evaluate my bad decisions from earlier in the day that led me to justify this bad decision.  I can ask for strength to do better in the future.  And I can work on forgiving myself.